To whomever it may concern,
I am writing to complain about the continued employment of Garth Crooks as a football pundit on the BBC. Whilst the very existence of Garth Crooks is a phenomenon for which I am yet to find any suitable justification, more unsettling still is your insistence that he be considered a ‘football expert’. Far from being a football expert, Garth Crooks is, in fact, a total moron, and a flagship for the incompetence, arrogance and self-importance that have come to characterise football punditry on television – particularly on the BBC, where he sits alongside fellow clowns Alan Shearer and Robbie Savage. I, along with many others, find it quite astounding that you have kept faith for so long with a man so widely derided and disliked, and would sleep much easier in the knowledge that he was out of a job.
A quick internet search goes some way towards illuminating the general public feeling towards Mr. Crooks. Type ‘Garth Crooks is’ into Google and the first two options on the drop down bar are ‘Garth Crooks is an idiot’ and ‘Garth Crooks is annoying’. Quite. Such is my antipathy towards the man, I continued with the options Google had recommended to me and was greeted with the following results: “The 8 stupidest things Garth Crooks has said” (a thoroughly entertaining read with a thriving comments section full of people’s own favourite Garthisms), “Garth Crooks is wrong. Again” (a blog seemingly dedicated to documenting the numerous factual inaccuracies which pervade his BBC columns), and a forum entitled “Most annoying cunt: Garth Crooks or Mihir Bose?”
Garth’s Team of the Week feature is the perfect example of the lazy, out-of-touch, inaccurate and apparently pointless journalism of which he has become the master. When he writes, “I was really tempted to go for Swansea’s Angel Rangel – partly because I love the name”, one is tempted to assume that this is the degree of thought that goes into the majority of his selections. Just weeks ago, Garth treated us to this pearl of footballing wisdom: “I sat watching Juan Mata against West Brom on Saturday and came to the conclusion that here was a player of immense ability.” It is not hard to imagine him stroking his chin, deep in thought, and then rewarding himself with a hefty pat on the back on arriving at this earth-shattering conclusion. Whilst Crooks’ tendency for stating the blindingly obvious (and getting paid handsomely for it) can grate, more infuriating is his habit of making glaring factual errors. It is simply embarrassing that a man whose job description entails football expertise can back James Morrison (capped 23 times for Scotland) for an England cap, or praise Brazil for their innovative 4-2-1-3-1 formation.
This is a cruel, cruel world we live in, rife with injustice and inequality, evil hiding round every dark corner. I can’t help but feel that, without Garth Crooks spewing mindless inanities, such a burden would be that much easier to bear. I hope that you will take into account my feelings and act accordingly.